[She's not certain if it's welcome, but Alisaie reaches out to offer Susato a hand nevertheless. Given what Susato's saying, she's not going to make any assumptions and take it, but... it's there, if she's open to it.]
'Tis not foolish. I may not have the context necessary to fully understand, but that it affects you in such a way is enough.
I only pray that one day it will be easier for you.
[Good. She'll twine their fingers together, giving Susato's hand a gentle squeeze.]
You say that as though the rest of us haven't behaved similarly at one time or another. Loathe as I am to admit it, I made quite a spectacle of myself when Alphinaud was missing and we were locked in the courtyard.
[Alisaie shakes her head, a small smile coming to her face as she brings them a little closer together--holding hands across a gap is weird, you know!! It makes much more sense to be closer, where their joined hands can naturally fall between them.]
Believe me, I understand all too well. But... it does much to hear you say it.
[Is this a bad idea, given everything that's gone on tonight? It might be. But the timing's never been right, is never going to be right with all they're facing.]
Susato...?
[It's a slow movement, Alisaie reaching up with her free hand to try and cup her jaw. Much as she'd like to be able to judge this moment on her own, she's relying on Taf every step of the way to tell her if Susato's responding poorly, because she doesn't mean to force it if Susato is uncomfortable or unwilling.
But if she's allowed, she'll gently guide Susato back so that Alisaie can lift up on her toes to kiss her.]
[She's not responding poorly, and she doesn't seem uncomfortable, let along unwilling. It would be quite easy for her to pull away, step back, turn her head, and she doesn't. But she is just a little too passive, a little too hesitant. Something tonight shook her rather badly, a too frightening masquerade perhaps, though it's only obvious this close; adrenaline wearing off into something disorienting.
She could have died, she nearly did die. The memory of it, in this moment, is so fresh that she doesn't bother to consider all of the reasons why this is a bad idea, the feeling of being overwhelmed she already confessed to. She isn't naive or foolish and she knows Alisaie means to kiss her and she wants that because it is something that might chase away that feeling of lying there as limp and helpless as a doll, waiting for something inevitable to come down on her. The feeling of being lost, alone, drowning, screaming with all of her might but no one can hear her, no one will help her. So she lets Alisaie guide her, and she lets her kiss her, and she kisses back for a moment, but it's obvious her thoughts are still elsewhere.]
[She interrupts, and Alisaie drops her heels back to the ground, letting that create the space between them. But they're still close, and Alisaie's voice is quiet as she speaks.]
Now is not the time. Our situations are different, true, but full well do I recall how terrible I felt after... [She trails off.] I was terrified, but neither could I put it into words to explain. And it felt as though the rest of our number were unable to see what held me paralyzed, so I sought to pretend as though nothing were wrong.
But you need not face this alone. Whatever I can do to help, I pray you ask it of me--even if it's to stop talking and making things worse.
[This time, Alisaie's words don't scare her off. There is something there, a wall she's still putting up, but she doesn't behave as though she must reject them or run off. Feisty little hare Ryutaro is still settled comfortably.]
. . . That must have been terrifying. And I am sure you were quite frustrated with me, that I continually misjudged what you were saying, couldn't hear you.
You aren't making things worse. But I fear I am also . . . struggling, to find a way to voice my troubles. Even if it's not quite the same.
The last thing I want is for you to stop talking. It is only that I do not know how to respond.
[Honestly, that she doesn't flee again is the biggest relief.]
Then we will speak of other topics until you find the words you're searching for.
[Simple as that.]
It matters not if it takes five minutes or five weeks. You've become a good friend, and I wish to help you in any way I can.
If you find you cannot respond to something I say, you need only ask and we will change to a simpler subject. Should it be too difficult to say anything, you can tap my hand twice and I will know.
...And I was never frustrated with you. Only with that which silences my voice.
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You needn't apologize. If anything, I should be apologizing to you--what I said was clearly too much for the moment. I ought to have realized that.
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[She hesitates, folding her hands together.]
It may seem foolish, but it is hard for me to listen to such things right now.
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'Tis not foolish. I may not have the context necessary to fully understand, but that it affects you in such a way is enough.
I only pray that one day it will be easier for you.
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I already feel rather ridiculous for carrying on this way.
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You say that as though the rest of us haven't behaved similarly at one time or another. Loathe as I am to admit it, I made quite a spectacle of myself when Alphinaud was missing and we were locked in the courtyard.
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[She squeezes the hand back.]
I was glad that you asked me to come. I wouldn't want you to think otherwise.
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Believe me, I understand all too well. But... it does much to hear you say it.
I hope you'll allow me to ask again in future.
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. . . I would like it if you asked again.
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Susato...?
[It's a slow movement, Alisaie reaching up with her free hand to try and cup her jaw. Much as she'd like to be able to judge this moment on her own, she's relying on Taf every step of the way to tell her if Susato's responding poorly, because she doesn't mean to force it if Susato is uncomfortable or unwilling.
But if she's allowed, she'll gently guide Susato back so that Alisaie can lift up on her toes to kiss her.]
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She could have died, she nearly did die. The memory of it, in this moment, is so fresh that she doesn't bother to consider all of the reasons why this is a bad idea, the feeling of being overwhelmed she already confessed to. She isn't naive or foolish and she knows Alisaie means to kiss her and she wants that because it is something that might chase away that feeling of lying there as limp and helpless as a doll, waiting for something inevitable to come down on her. The feeling of being lost, alone, drowning, screaming with all of her might but no one can hear her, no one will help her. So she lets Alisaie guide her, and she lets her kiss her, and she kisses back for a moment, but it's obvious her thoughts are still elsewhere.]
Alisaie, I -
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[She interrupts, and Alisaie drops her heels back to the ground, letting that create the space between them. But they're still close, and Alisaie's voice is quiet as she speaks.]
Now is not the time. Our situations are different, true, but full well do I recall how terrible I felt after... [She trails off.] I was terrified, but neither could I put it into words to explain. And it felt as though the rest of our number were unable to see what held me paralyzed, so I sought to pretend as though nothing were wrong.
But you need not face this alone. Whatever I can do to help, I pray you ask it of me--even if it's to stop talking and making things worse.
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. . . That must have been terrifying. And I am sure you were quite frustrated with me, that I continually misjudged what you were saying, couldn't hear you.
You aren't making things worse. But I fear I am also . . . struggling, to find a way to voice my troubles. Even if it's not quite the same.
The last thing I want is for you to stop talking. It is only that I do not know how to respond.
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Then we will speak of other topics until you find the words you're searching for.
[Simple as that.]
It matters not if it takes five minutes or five weeks. You've become a good friend, and I wish to help you in any way I can.
If you find you cannot respond to something I say, you need only ask and we will change to a simpler subject. Should it be too difficult to say anything, you can tap my hand twice and I will know.
...And I was never frustrated with you. Only with that which silences my voice.
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I shall keep that in mind.
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And should the time come when I may kiss you again, I pray you'll let me know.
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