xie lian listens quietly, silent as alisaie tells her story, and the look on his face is honest, genuine compassion. her explanation makes logical sense, and his heart aches at the thought of having to kill a loved one with your own hands. a truly terrible fate - a truly difficult burden to bear. ]
...I'm sorry for your loss. [ is what he says, first, softly. even if it was some time ago, even if she's used to it; the thought matters, and the sentiment matters.
after a moment of that, though, he turns to look at her, properly. ] ...but, in your wisdom - I feel the same way. I think many of us here have felt such horrendous loss even outside of our situation at the moment - it is that solidarity and our strength to carry on after each personal one here that will carry us on sure footing to the end of this, to fix this conflict and destroy it for good.
[ his usual quiet determination is there, weaving in through his words; xie lian does believe it, and wholeheartedly so. they'll all be able to make it through this, and return their dead to them. all of them. ] I've never once doubted the strength of your will, Miss Alisaie. Though tragedy helped to shape it, to know that you move forward down your chosen path even still is not surprising, and admirable indeed.
[Yeah, this was within the last few months, honestly. Things happen fast sometimes.]
Even when it means I won't listen to you?
[It's a question, but it's not wholly a question. Alisaie is Alisaie--when she commits to a decision, there's no dissuading her from it partway through.]
you are a stubborn dumbass with a good heart who goes screaming into danger at 100 mph ] My teacher used to scold me for it, but it is where - what Rochalizo said, today.
[ some of that joking manner fades, at the mention of the name of one of his dearest friends.
... ]
...Let me propose a parable to you. Two people walk the desert, about to die from thirst, and you only have one cup of water. The one that drinks, lives, and the one who doesn't, dies. If you were a god - who would you give the cup of water to?
[Oh Xie Lian you really chose the wrong person for this; Alisaie is smart but she's also very pragmatic. Her answer is immediate.]
Split the cup. If both are about to die of thirst, neither of them should drink the full cup or they risk death anyway. They're better off drinking it slowly as they continue rather than all at once, and they may find water further along their path.
Electing to give water to only one of the two requires deciding which of the two deserves more to live. And my companions and I have felled many who thought they were the ones to rightly decide that.
[ no, he chose the exact right person for this. alisaie's answer just makes him smile, and he ducks his head. ]
... I'm glad to hear you say that.
[ even if he can hear mei nianqing, exhausted, at the mere thought of it. that smile softens a little, quietly nostalgic. ]
My teacher asked me the same question, and I told him - were I a god, then I would simply summon up another cup of water to ensure that they would both live.
I have always been a proponent of finding a third path to any solution - choosing the answer that helps the most people, the most places, instead of sacrificing one over the other. That path has been dangerous and dark, rarely a well lit place to tread, but I have always chosen it nonetheless - because I would rather do what is right, in a moment of strife, than assume that one thing, one life is ever valued higher than the other.
...Rochalizo stated those words back to me, today, and it surprised me, because in my own stubbornness in chasing that third path at home, I lost an innumerable amount of things. Problems I thought I could handle got worse.
Ultimately... my kingdom was destroyed by a resentful ghost from that very Kiln that you visited, and it seemed hellbent on proving to me that my choices to try and save everyone were wrong.
[ a quiet fact for a fact. ]
...Even after everything, I don't think that they were. I think I will always rather save people, then stand back - so. All of this is to say that I am used to loss, and suffering, and hurt... and I too have had to move forward, but like you, I've done my best to do so without once sacrificing the person that I am.
[She thinks about it for a moment. Because while she doesn't disagree with him...]
I doubt it will surprise you to know I agree with you. But there is a time and a place for everything, and that includes taking the third path.
Forgive me, but I will be blunt: While I understand why Rochalízo chose as he did and why Susato would have wanted it, it was foolish.
There is disagreement as to whether Dust is free will made manifest or if it is indicative of "sin," but Susato would have been possessed of it in spades. In killing her--even if it was in alignment with what she believed correct--that Dust was sacrificed for the angels to claim, making them more powerful.
I suspect this is why those who kill are allowed to go free if they aren't caught. They are freed in hopes that they will be killed later in revenge. Electing for what he believed to be the third path only played into the angels' hands further in this instance.
[ as ever, he listens, carefully taking alisaie's words into account, bluntness and all. again... the same hat.
after a long moment, thoughtful; ]
Then... I suppose there is a counter of this; who else would you have asked him to take in her stead?
[ equally blunt, but - it is only in conversation, and gently delivered. xie lian gets it. he really does, he understands what she's saying perfectly, and to talk of the cruelties of this place as something inescapable is hard, but. ] This place takes our choice from us, and forces our hands in the cruelest of ways. That is the vilest of evils, the cruelest of manners, and while the choice for Susato was deliberate, the choice not to kill at all was taken from him.
...As it was taken from others.
[ there's a moment of deliberate pause, there - but. he reaches to absently scratch san lang under the chin, who stretches. ] If given the choice, I think many of those here would not have ever raised their hand to take the life of another, but that choice is never given. Susato did her best to enable that there would be a choice - I spoke with Rochalizo last night, and he told me that Susato was the one who made the cake, and the one who drugged Rochalizo with it, because instead of being forced into killing each other, or attempting to, she wanted the chance for them both to live.
...She was the one who did her best to follow a path unknown, not Rochalizo, though - I think he would have, if not already compelled. To throw spite into the face of the Angels who had already forced her into that position, once, instead of allowing the angels to just win. I know she wanted to find the others who had been through a thing as terrible as she had, weeks ago, in order to help them bear the load of their guilt - so that they would not be alone.
[ there's a quiet uptick in emotion as he speaks - xie lian's expression shifts, brows furrowing together, sadness pulling his mouth downwards before he catches himself and shakes his head, letting the loss of a close friend gently melt into his heart, still as water. ]
... I don't disagree with your suspicions, either - I am sure that vengeance would be the ideal means to justify their ends. It is why I think that choosing kindness and mercy in those situations instead is so important.
[She gives him a look that's one part warning, one part relenting, tilting her head.]
That sounds like a trap, Xie Lian. Are you asking me now to be the arbiter of our worth? I can tell you those who would offer the angels less power, but you and I both know there is no easy option, even if there may be an "ideal" one.
[But aside from that, she'll listen, though she lifts her eyebrows at the pause. And when he finishes... she shakes her head. Gently at first, but then harder. It's hard to explain--she still hasn't quite managed to align everything running through her mind into neat and orderly thoughts, but--]
She wanted people to confide in her, but was not willing to confide in others. I gave her multiple opportunities to do so--I asked her to talk to me--and still she kept her silence. She told me the afternoon ere she died that she would have liked to talk about things but hadn't been certain I wanted to know. But I had asked, many times.
Susato is clever and strong and much more capable than she thinks others believe her. But she also has the tendency to adapt a belief as truth when it is not. On Thursday, she seemed convinced we'd thought her a helpless young girl in need of rescue at the time of Rex's murder, though I doubt anyone has seen her as helpless or in need of rescue. She thought the trust I would have in her unwarranted if I did not doubt or suspect her first, without considering I might have arrived at my conclusions another way.
[Wasn't this supposed to be about her murder, not Susato herself? Well, perhaps it's all right; this is the first that Alisaie's actually talked about Susato properly since her death, and between their last conversations and the letter Susato wrote her she's been struggling to put it all together, especially with the context of everything else underscoring it.]
And in the snow this week, she sought to spite the angels. Full well do I understand her desire to do so, but given the nature of the battle we fight... the path that might ultimately save the most begins on one of those laid out before us. To ensure we will be able to reach the best possible outcome for everybody, we must consider the wider picture. Not just how we may make our individual stands.
[Speaking of which... she gives Xie Lian that same look from before.]
That is why I had no intentions of truly harming Rochalízo last night. I was angry at what the both of them had done, but I will not give the angels more power if I may avoid it.
I know it does - thus why it was only rhetorical. It is a terribly cruel question to ask of anyone.
[ a sheepish smile, there. xie lian would never ask that of anyone, and that's the point! especially not of alisaie, who he knows is hurting, too. just listening to her makes it clear - as ever, he's quiet and thoughtful, nodding as he runs his hand gently over san lang's head as he considers what to say in return. ]
... I think many did see her as someone in need in rescue - or, certainly, many saw her as impossibly innocent of the crime itself. Even I didn't believe it, and I only came to to the conclusion that she killed Rex that Monday. I agree - I never once saw her as incapable - but I think I also couldn't stand the idea of her having been the one to do the deed. Truthfully, her own near death in that situation makes even more sense, knowing the type of person that she is, and the context of it all.
Part of that is because her realm is quite unfair to women, I believe. Whether people saw her as weak was true or not, the people of her realm certainly would have assumed so, and it is difficult to throw away how the world has always treated you in the context of a new place. But... I think there was much she was willing to confide, for as much as she was able to, if she felt it was safe to do so.
[ ... he knows that, anyway. xie lian bites his lip for a moment, looking down at san lang, who makes a quiet noise and nuzzles into his hand. ] As you and I are certainly stubborn, I think she is, too. [ which is honestly probably why they get along so well. full hearted and committed to the their decisions. ]
Even last week, she... I think her stubbornness in that situation was quite obvious. [ smash cut to susato scolding them all for not checking coins. ] We had a contingency plan, last week, that - when everything fell apart, it was too late to enact, but she asked us to reveal the nature of her situation with Rex if we couldn't find a killer.
[ which. they couldn't! but then we were like 100% sure they found one the last five minutes. rip. he smiles a little. ] She was so frustrated with the world and the limits put on her - and many of our inability to see what she couldn't tell, for reasons related to Rex, and for reasons not.
[ Foolishly, selfishly, with cowardice, I simply . . . hoped that one day they would see me there and put voice to the things I could not speak. ]
...We cannot assume - we can only ask when she returns. [ and not if, but when. ] But, I cannot fault her for her decision on Thursday evening. I do see your point - I understand what you're getting at. But... I think there is value and weight in the way that things went, too. Even if she had chosen to simply kill Rochalizo, she would have had to live with that guilt - and we would have caught her. If not for that, then for killing Rex, just as she'd asked, and all of the Dust would have been lost, anyway.
[ xie lian shakes his head. ]
...And I know, Miss Alisaie. It was a moment of heated emotion. [ a little smile, there. ] That is why I did not step in any further beyond what I said. I trusted that of you, and I trust that of you very much.
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no subject
xie lian listens quietly, silent as alisaie tells her story, and the look on his face is honest, genuine compassion. her explanation makes logical sense, and his heart aches at the thought of having to kill a loved one with your own hands. a truly terrible fate - a truly difficult burden to bear. ]
...I'm sorry for your loss. [ is what he says, first, softly. even if it was some time ago, even if she's used to it; the thought matters, and the sentiment matters.
after a moment of that, though, he turns to look at her, properly. ] ...but, in your wisdom - I feel the same way. I think many of us here have felt such horrendous loss even outside of our situation at the moment - it is that solidarity and our strength to carry on after each personal one here that will carry us on sure footing to the end of this, to fix this conflict and destroy it for good.
[ his usual quiet determination is there, weaving in through his words; xie lian does believe it, and wholeheartedly so. they'll all be able to make it through this, and return their dead to them. all of them. ] I've never once doubted the strength of your will, Miss Alisaie. Though tragedy helped to shape it, to know that you move forward down your chosen path even still is not surprising, and admirable indeed.
no subject
Even when it means I won't listen to you?
[It's a question, but it's not wholly a question. Alisaie is Alisaie--when she commits to a decision, there's no dissuading her from it partway through.]
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Even then. That sort of stubbornness is something you and I have in common. Once I've committed to something, I won't change my mind about it.
[ terrible. it's probably why he likes alisaie so much actually. ]
But, what matters is listening afterwards, I believe - and learning, and growing. That's a lesson I'm still learning, too.
no subject
Huh.]
I'm always willing to listen. That doesn't mean I'll change my mind though.
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[ sometimes
you are a stubborn dumbass with a good heart who goes screaming into danger at 100 mph ] My teacher used to scold me for it, but it is where - what Rochalizo said, today.
[ some of that joking manner fades, at the mention of the name of one of his dearest friends.
... ]
...Let me propose a parable to you. Two people walk the desert, about to die from thirst, and you only have one cup of water. The one that drinks, lives, and the one who doesn't, dies. If you were a god - who would you give the cup of water to?
no subject
Split the cup. If both are about to die of thirst, neither of them should drink the full cup or they risk death anyway. They're better off drinking it slowly as they continue rather than all at once, and they may find water further along their path.
Electing to give water to only one of the two requires deciding which of the two deserves more to live. And my companions and I have felled many who thought they were the ones to rightly decide that.
no subject
... I'm glad to hear you say that.
[ even if he can hear mei nianqing, exhausted, at the mere thought of it. that smile softens a little, quietly nostalgic. ]
My teacher asked me the same question, and I told him - were I a god, then I would simply summon up another cup of water to ensure that they would both live.
I have always been a proponent of finding a third path to any solution - choosing the answer that helps the most people, the most places, instead of sacrificing one over the other. That path has been dangerous and dark, rarely a well lit place to tread, but I have always chosen it nonetheless - because I would rather do what is right, in a moment of strife, than assume that one thing, one life is ever valued higher than the other.
...Rochalizo stated those words back to me, today, and it surprised me, because in my own stubbornness in chasing that third path at home, I lost an innumerable amount of things. Problems I thought I could handle got worse.
Ultimately... my kingdom was destroyed by a resentful ghost from that very Kiln that you visited, and it seemed hellbent on proving to me that my choices to try and save everyone were wrong.
[ a quiet fact for a fact. ]
...Even after everything, I don't think that they were. I think I will always rather save people, then stand back - so. All of this is to say that I am used to loss, and suffering, and hurt... and I too have had to move forward, but like you, I've done my best to do so without once sacrificing the person that I am.
no subject
I doubt it will surprise you to know I agree with you. But there is a time and a place for everything, and that includes taking the third path.
Forgive me, but I will be blunt: While I understand why Rochalízo chose as he did and why Susato would have wanted it, it was foolish.
There is disagreement as to whether Dust is free will made manifest or if it is indicative of "sin," but Susato would have been possessed of it in spades. In killing her--even if it was in alignment with what she believed correct--that Dust was sacrificed for the angels to claim, making them more powerful.
I suspect this is why those who kill are allowed to go free if they aren't caught. They are freed in hopes that they will be killed later in revenge. Electing for what he believed to be the third path only played into the angels' hands further in this instance.
no subject
after a long moment, thoughtful; ]
Then... I suppose there is a counter of this; who else would you have asked him to take in her stead?
[ equally blunt, but - it is only in conversation, and gently delivered. xie lian gets it. he really does, he understands what she's saying perfectly, and to talk of the cruelties of this place as something inescapable is hard, but. ] This place takes our choice from us, and forces our hands in the cruelest of ways. That is the vilest of evils, the cruelest of manners, and while the choice for Susato was deliberate, the choice not to kill at all was taken from him.
...As it was taken from others.
[ there's a moment of deliberate pause, there - but. he reaches to absently scratch san lang under the chin, who stretches. ] If given the choice, I think many of those here would not have ever raised their hand to take the life of another, but that choice is never given. Susato did her best to enable that there would be a choice - I spoke with Rochalizo last night, and he told me that Susato was the one who made the cake, and the one who drugged Rochalizo with it, because instead of being forced into killing each other, or attempting to, she wanted the chance for them both to live.
...She was the one who did her best to follow a path unknown, not Rochalizo, though - I think he would have, if not already compelled. To throw spite into the face of the Angels who had already forced her into that position, once, instead of allowing the angels to just win. I know she wanted to find the others who had been through a thing as terrible as she had, weeks ago, in order to help them bear the load of their guilt - so that they would not be alone.
[ there's a quiet uptick in emotion as he speaks - xie lian's expression shifts, brows furrowing together, sadness pulling his mouth downwards before he catches himself and shakes his head, letting the loss of a close friend gently melt into his heart, still as water. ]
... I don't disagree with your suspicions, either - I am sure that vengeance would be the ideal means to justify their ends. It is why I think that choosing kindness and mercy in those situations instead is so important.
[ and that ends with a smile, soft and genuine. ]
no subject
That sounds like a trap, Xie Lian. Are you asking me now to be the arbiter of our worth? I can tell you those who would offer the angels less power, but you and I both know there is no easy option, even if there may be an "ideal" one.
[But aside from that, she'll listen, though she lifts her eyebrows at the pause. And when he finishes... she shakes her head. Gently at first, but then harder. It's hard to explain--she still hasn't quite managed to align everything running through her mind into neat and orderly thoughts, but--]
She wanted people to confide in her, but was not willing to confide in others. I gave her multiple opportunities to do so--I asked her to talk to me--and still she kept her silence. She told me the afternoon ere she died that she would have liked to talk about things but hadn't been certain I wanted to know. But I had asked, many times.
Susato is clever and strong and much more capable than she thinks others believe her. But she also has the tendency to adapt a belief as truth when it is not. On Thursday, she seemed convinced we'd thought her a helpless young girl in need of rescue at the time of Rex's murder, though I doubt anyone has seen her as helpless or in need of rescue. She thought the trust I would have in her unwarranted if I did not doubt or suspect her first, without considering I might have arrived at my conclusions another way.
[Wasn't this supposed to be about her murder, not Susato herself? Well, perhaps it's all right; this is the first that Alisaie's actually talked about Susato properly since her death, and between their last conversations and the letter Susato wrote her she's been struggling to put it all together, especially with the context of everything else underscoring it.]
And in the snow this week, she sought to spite the angels. Full well do I understand her desire to do so, but given the nature of the battle we fight... the path that might ultimately save the most begins on one of those laid out before us. To ensure we will be able to reach the best possible outcome for everybody, we must consider the wider picture. Not just how we may make our individual stands.
[Speaking of which... she gives Xie Lian that same look from before.]
That is why I had no intentions of truly harming Rochalízo last night. I was angry at what the both of them had done, but I will not give the angels more power if I may avoid it.
no subject
[ a sheepish smile, there. xie lian would never ask that of anyone, and that's the point! especially not of alisaie, who he knows is hurting, too. just listening to her makes it clear - as ever, he's quiet and thoughtful, nodding as he runs his hand gently over san lang's head as he considers what to say in return. ]
... I think many did see her as someone in need in rescue - or, certainly, many saw her as impossibly innocent of the crime itself. Even I didn't believe it, and I only came to to the conclusion that she killed Rex that Monday. I agree - I never once saw her as incapable - but I think I also couldn't stand the idea of her having been the one to do the deed. Truthfully, her own near death in that situation makes even more sense, knowing the type of person that she is, and the context of it all.
Part of that is because her realm is quite unfair to women, I believe. Whether people saw her as weak was true or not, the people of her realm certainly would have assumed so, and it is difficult to throw away how the world has always treated you in the context of a new place. But... I think there was much she was willing to confide, for as much as she was able to, if she felt it was safe to do so.
[ ... he knows that, anyway. xie lian bites his lip for a moment, looking down at san lang, who makes a quiet noise and nuzzles into his hand. ] As you and I are certainly stubborn, I think she is, too. [ which is honestly probably why they get along so well. full hearted and committed to the their decisions. ]
Even last week, she... I think her stubbornness in that situation was quite obvious. [ smash cut to susato scolding them all for not checking coins. ] We had a contingency plan, last week, that - when everything fell apart, it was too late to enact, but she asked us to reveal the nature of her situation with Rex if we couldn't find a killer.
[ which. they couldn't! but then we were like 100% sure they found one the last five minutes. rip. he smiles a little. ] She was so frustrated with the world and the limits put on her - and many of our inability to see what she couldn't tell, for reasons related to Rex, and for reasons not.
[ Foolishly, selfishly, with cowardice, I simply . . . hoped that one day they would see me there and put voice to the things I could not speak. ]
...We cannot assume - we can only ask when she returns. [ and not if, but when. ] But, I cannot fault her for her decision on Thursday evening. I do see your point - I understand what you're getting at. But... I think there is value and weight in the way that things went, too. Even if she had chosen to simply kill Rochalizo, she would have had to live with that guilt - and we would have caught her. If not for that, then for killing Rex, just as she'd asked, and all of the Dust would have been lost, anyway.
[ xie lian shakes his head. ]
...And I know, Miss Alisaie. It was a moment of heated emotion. [ a little smile, there. ] That is why I did not step in any further beyond what I said. I trusted that of you, and I trust that of you very much.