[Look can they go back to Otamo and find a memory shard of that because while she believes him, she also would legitimately consider paying actual money to see that... but Alisaie turns her eyes toward the ground for a moment at Flat's next words.
The urge is there to get defensive over it, to deflect and protest that she's not protective over Alphinaud, she simply knows how hopeless he is... but her protectiveness over her brother has been a point of contention the past couple days. And, well. Her hearing was unnerfed back in Ahnkeen. It would have been almost impossible for her to miss the debacle between Nine, Roxis, and Flat yesterday.]
Of course I care about him. We've been together our entire lives.
But it's more than simply that. Alphinaud and I... we are not wholly here in this realm. Ere we came here, our souls were pulled to a refraction of our world known as the First. Our bodies remained behind, where our friends have been watching over them. We were finally to return home when all of this began.
If he were to die and we'd not been able to bring the dead back... [Her hands clench into fists at her side.]
I would have gone home and been forced to watch him die again as his body failed.
[ well…that’s definitely a story. for a while flat is silent, unsure what he could say to any of this. he really hasn’t been sure how to feel about her since finding out about her murder in the first place, but this… ]
I see. So, even the angel approached you, you decided not to take the risk of your brother getting hurt?
[Alisaie makes a small noise, a single huff of breath.]
If only it had just been a "risk." I initially tried to refuse the angel, so they turned to threats instead. If I didn't claim a life that week, his would be claimed instead.
Mayhap some would be strong enough to refuse them in light of such threats. I was not.
No one was. Even Susato was a killer, no? You shouldn’t make light of mind compulsion, ahaha…
[ there’s a solemn tone to flat voice, his gaze distant as he listens to alisaie. he’s never had a sibling, so he can’t understand that sort of bond, but… what about those that he cares about?
well, she did kill one of those people. but he heard roxis say his piece the night previous, pretending to be unaware. however, he doesn’t think that he needs to be fighting the alchemist’s battles, as close as they are.
he doesn’t exactly hate her, but…it’s an oddly familiar feeling, like the one that comes up whenever he brings up his parents. a bitter aftertaste, one that is not strong enough to ruin it all, but is enough to serve as a reminder.
he doesn’t hate her, but…
“anyone in your position certainly can.” ]
It’s… I don’t need an explanation, Alisaie. [ it’s said more like a suggestion, not reproachful. ] I’m not going to be mad at you for this, because I think that I’d be…hm…would that count as hypocrisy?
[ he killed a-qing, after all. and while it may not be the same for many people, for flat it more or less does. mathematically speaking, it’s the same. ]
I just think that you shouldn’t feel so guilty. [ wait, rewind— ] Not saying that you should feel proud about it either! But what is guilt going to do for you or anyone else besides drag you down?
[...what? Her brow furrows for a moment as she tries to figure out if he really means it. Flat usually does, she's found, but... saying something like that is such a wild difference from everything else she's been hearing that it's almost difficult to believe. But a moment later, her lips flatten out and her expression shifts to frustrated, her voice dry.]
Were I the type for performative guilt, it may have prevented rocks being thrown at my head or river water poured down my back. Or being accused of not caring about people.
[She shakes her head, voice going back to its usual candor.]
But you're correct. Had I allowed myself to be lost to guilt for mine actions, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to help us reach this day.
More than guilty, I find myself disheartened. Those I thought I knew well have come to think so little of me because I chose to keep fighting to change things. Mayhap in their eyes I should have wallowed in self-loathing and guilt-- [Her fists had started to soften, but she squeezes her hands tight again, knuckles whitening] --but doing so would not have helped any of us, least of all Roxis.
Edited (tmw you've already done that whoops) 2021-11-25 05:33 (UTC)
[ there is a long silence from flat as he listens to her…
…????
he tilts his head to the side, almost bird-like. his brows are knit together, as if he’s having a hard time piecing together her logic. ]
Do you even know what Roxis needs, Alisaie? Though I guess you do have to know your victim to some degree…
[ he shakes his head. ]
I don’t get it, you say that you’re not feeling guilty, but then why are you coming up to Roxis to apologize and ask him to get payback if you aren’t feeling some guilt? [ sometimes, you use your strengthening to heighten your hearing. ] Like… that’s like if I went up to Rochalízo in person and tried to apologize to him again for poisoning him, okay? There’s no point in it anymore.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
The urge is there to get defensive over it, to deflect and protest that she's not protective over Alphinaud, she simply knows how hopeless he is... but her protectiveness over her brother has been a point of contention the past couple days. And, well. Her hearing was unnerfed back in Ahnkeen. It would have been almost impossible for her to miss the debacle between Nine, Roxis, and Flat yesterday.]
Of course I care about him. We've been together our entire lives.
But it's more than simply that. Alphinaud and I... we are not wholly here in this realm. Ere we came here, our souls were pulled to a refraction of our world known as the First. Our bodies remained behind, where our friends have been watching over them. We were finally to return home when all of this began.
If he were to die and we'd not been able to bring the dead back... [Her hands clench into fists at her side.]
I would have gone home and been forced to watch him die again as his body failed.
no subject
[ well…that’s definitely a story. for a while flat is silent, unsure what he could say to any of this. he really hasn’t been sure how to feel about her since finding out about her murder in the first place, but this… ]
I see. So, even the angel approached you, you decided not to take the risk of your brother getting hurt?
no subject
If only it had just been a "risk." I initially tried to refuse the angel, so they turned to threats instead. If I didn't claim a life that week, his would be claimed instead.
Mayhap some would be strong enough to refuse them in light of such threats. I was not.
no subject
[ there’s a solemn tone to flat voice, his gaze distant as he listens to alisaie. he’s never had a sibling, so he can’t understand that sort of bond, but… what about those that he cares about?
well, she did kill one of those people. but he heard roxis say his piece the night previous, pretending to be unaware. however, he doesn’t think that he needs to be fighting the alchemist’s battles, as close as they are.
he doesn’t exactly hate her, but…it’s an oddly familiar feeling, like the one that comes up whenever he brings up his parents. a bitter aftertaste, one that is not strong enough to ruin it all, but is enough to serve as a reminder.
he doesn’t hate her, but…
“anyone in your position certainly can.” ]
It’s… I don’t need an explanation, Alisaie. [ it’s said more like a suggestion, not reproachful. ] I’m not going to be mad at you for this, because I think that I’d be…hm…would that count as hypocrisy?
[ he killed a-qing, after all. and while it may not be the same for many people, for flat it more or less does. mathematically speaking, it’s the same. ]
I just think that you shouldn’t feel so guilty. [ wait, rewind— ] Not saying that you should feel proud about it either! But what is guilt going to do for you or anyone else besides drag you down?
no subject
Were I the type for performative guilt, it may have prevented rocks being thrown at my head or river water poured down my back. Or being accused of not caring about people.
[She shakes her head, voice going back to its usual candor.]
But you're correct. Had I allowed myself to be lost to guilt for mine actions, I wouldn't have been able to do anything to help us reach this day.
More than guilty, I find myself disheartened. Those I thought I knew well have come to think so little of me because I chose to keep fighting to change things. Mayhap in their eyes I should have wallowed in self-loathing and guilt-- [Her fists had started to soften, but she squeezes her hands tight again, knuckles whitening] --but doing so would not have helped any of us, least of all Roxis.
no subject
…????
he tilts his head to the side, almost bird-like. his brows are knit together, as if he’s having a hard time piecing together her logic. ]
Do you even know what Roxis needs, Alisaie? Though I guess you do have to know your victim to some degree…
[ he shakes his head. ]
I don’t get it, you say that you’re not feeling guilty, but then why are you coming up to Roxis to apologize and ask him to get payback if you aren’t feeling some guilt? [ sometimes, you use your strengthening to heighten your hearing. ] Like… that’s like if I went up to Rochalízo in person and tried to apologize to him again for poisoning him, okay? There’s no point in it anymore.