Both? [Alisaie gives a short laugh, but it's tinged with a hint of hysteria--this isn't funny, not at all; this is horrifying to realize she can't speak of it.]
It's something about my vote. But it also reinforced just how terrible all of this truly is.
[The entire time they've been having this conversation she's been in darkness, grounded by the feeling of the chair beneath her and her daemon upon her lap. But as she's tried to speak of it, tried to answer Susato's questions in spite of the restrictions seemingly placed upon her, she's lost that sense.
Which is to say that Alisaie flinches when Susato's hand touches her--and then to her absolute horror, she begins to cry.]
[She feels so badly, now. A sense is coming over her of . . . something they can't discuss, but a hunch. And it's terrible. Maybe if she had more of the story she'd know what to say, but she doesn't think so.]
There, there. May I - [She will shift slightly so the touch on the arm is a little more like a hand on hers.]
[Much like in the memory Susato saw, Alisaie has dropped her head to hide her eyes behind her fringe, trying to control her tears as best she can. She doesn't stop Susato resting a hand on hers--she releases the fist she'd instinctively clenched, loosely curling a finger around one of Susato's, linking them.
But with a gargantuan effort she finally manages to get her emotions back under control, though she still doesn't look up.]
...That's why. Suriel came to me last night after... I was punished. They were aware of the situation.
[She nods, turning her face away for long enough to do a quick scrub of her eyes with the sleeve of her free arm/hand. Then she turns back toward Susato, finally meeting her eyes--as much as she can, anyway.]
Between this-- [Alisaie gestures toward her face, her eyes] --and that which I cannot say, I'm afraid I've made an unseemly display of myself today. [She gives a halfhearted attempt at a chuckle; look, see, she can laugh, she's fine...]
Yet I find myself... relieved, that somebody else should know.
There is so much happening here, and I feel rather at a loss sometimes to do anything that will truly help.
I thought perhaps. . . [Hmm.] When Kazuma-sama was, or appeared to be, killed, all I wanted was the truth, no matter who it hurt. So I had thought that here at least, if the only thing I could do was pursue the truth, then perhaps. . .
But I feel a little uneasy about it. The lawyers that I admire fight to defend people, to protect the people they believe in.
I think we would all would seek to protect those around us, were we given the choice. But instead, we are forced to the offensive and made to suspect one another. I believe it is because their masters know this to be the more painful option--especially now, when we now know we cannot refuse to accuse somebody.
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When things happened at the end last night, I was--
[Her words cut off, even as she continues to speak. At once, her head comes up, sightless eyes widening.]
It felt like someone had grabbed Taftosimi and was crushing him in their hands. And then I--
[It goes silent again. This time her hands to to her mouth, her throat, horror dawning on her face as she realizes.]
I can't say it.
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[She stops, bringing her hand to her mouth.]
You don't wish to say it, or you can't?
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It does.
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Was it that you realized something? Or was it something that happened to you because of the vote?
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It's something about my vote. But it also reinforced just how terrible all of this truly is.
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[She will reach over to place a hand on her arm, trying to calm her.]
If you can't speak of it, then you can't speak of it.
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Which is to say that Alisaie flinches when Susato's hand touches her--and then to her absolute horror, she begins to cry.]
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[She feels so badly, now. A sense is coming over her of . . . something they can't discuss, but a hunch. And it's terrible. Maybe if she had more of the story she'd know what to say, but she doesn't think so.]
There, there. May I - [She will shift slightly so the touch on the arm is a little more like a hand on hers.]
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But with a gargantuan effort she finally manages to get her emotions back under control, though she still doesn't look up.]
...That's why. Suriel came to me last night after... I was punished. They were aware of the situation.
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It must have been dreadful, to go through so much and be unable to talk to anyone about it.
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Between this-- [Alisaie gestures toward her face, her eyes] --and that which I cannot say, I'm afraid I've made an unseemly display of myself today. [She gives a halfhearted attempt at a chuckle; look, see, she can laugh, she's fine...]
Yet I find myself... relieved, that somebody else should know.
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[It's hard, to carry some burdens alone.]
You have made no unseemly display. But I hope you will let me help you however I can, now that I know at least some amount of it.
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Much as I would like to say I'll be fine, I've never been one for that sort of martyred nonsense. I would be grateful to you, truly.
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I thought perhaps. . . [Hmm.] When Kazuma-sama was, or appeared to be, killed, all I wanted was the truth, no matter who it hurt. So I had thought that here at least, if the only thing I could do was pursue the truth, then perhaps. . .
But I feel a little uneasy about it. The lawyers that I admire fight to defend people, to protect the people they believe in.
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I think we would all would seek to protect those around us, were we given the choice. But instead, we are forced to the offensive and made to suspect one another. I believe it is because their masters know this to be the more painful option--especially now, when we now know we cannot refuse to accuse somebody.
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